Answers

The things that make me the happiest guy in the world should be the things that simply make me smile. The things i should view in life as petty and walk away from are the things i lash out about. My whole personality has changed as of late. Is this growing up? Or am i just going through something huge and it's simply taking it's toll? Am i becoming someone i despise? I wish i had the answers. I'm scared about taking T, I'm scared about if it takes to long - will i give up hope? I'm scared that... Ugh! Whatever. I'm sick of thinking and thinking about this whole thing. I just want to forget it. Even if just for a minute!

Out and about

Well, now at least more than a good half of my family know I'm Trans. They reacted pretty well and i was sort of surprised. But I've been forbidden to tell the other half, who are all... Teenagers and... Well... Now exactly the worlds biggest LGBT fans, let's say. But they're gonna find out soon anyways, i mean I'll (hopefully) be starting T soon and the changes I'll go through might look a bit odd if they're not explained. But that's a bombshell to drop when the time comes. I was in the car today and i was stuck in traffic when i came across a miniature gay flag taped onto someones rear window - they had my ultimate respect because in this area being out and/or supporting the LGBT community publicly takes courage. Then again it takes courage anywhere because you always get one homophobic idiot who would be willing to show their feelings with their fists and take things one step too far... Anyway, I'm rambling. Moving on, my mum got a country-western CD for Christmas and now one of the songs is stuck in my head! Gah! .... Sorry random bit of babble there. Things have been getting tougher for me lately. I don't know what exactly is causing it. But i just don't like the way I've been acting - the way I've been feeling - and i don't know what to do about it. I suppose certain medical factors aren't helping (I'll spare you the details) but it just seems the tiniest thing gets to me way, way, way more than they used to. I don't really know what i intended to come out of this blog but I'm not too sure it worked out. I doubt no one will ever read this anyway, but.... Ah, well.

How do you think positive?

Once again my family dissolves into a fight on Christmas eve. And this is why i hate the holidays... Actually just life in general. I can never get any fucking peace! - It's all better now. But i stand by what i said. I want peace! For one day, not one hour! Anyways... I think the way i deal with things is by locking them up and trying to forget it was ever a problem. It's either that or i sleep. A LOT. Both are pretty unhealthy i suppose - but give me another coping method and I'll be all ears.

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... I totally forgot what i was going to write. Damn.

A rant

Woo! Christmas eve! And it so doesn't feel like it! Anyway, I am desperately hoping that i will have some news on Trans stuff next year, like when i will finally be going to see the gender specialist and when i will get on T. I suppose I'm sort of scared but more excited than anything. I am lucky in the respect that my family and friends are supportive (sometimes) but i know deep down they would give anything for me to just be... Well, non-trans. Except for one friend who is absolutely brilliant and who i love and appreciate more than anything! I could rant on and on about this stuff but i won't because it doesn't help matters at all. I've been spending all of my time researching surgeons and some of the results terrify me whilst others amaze me... I'm still gathering money together and maybe - MAYBE I'll get it done after my eighteenth!

I used to be positive, but now? Not so much...

Christmas used to be such a happy time. Even when i was alone. I suppose it still is. But something, this year, has changed in me. Maybe I'm just so preoccupied with transitioning and college and... Dealing with relationship crap that i haven't really had time to "get in the spirit of things". Or maybe it's because i am still struggling to live each day as it goes. Maybe i miss my dad and the family i could have had, if things were different. Do not get me wrong, i love my current family even though they have mood swings that give me whiplash. But i cannot help being curious as to what could have been. My family aren't very traditional. I swore to myself that i would have a family, i had this whole little picture in my head, and we would celebrate new years with fireworks and Christmas with all of us sitting around the fire with our presents. I know it's kinda cheesy but that was my dream. But recent - or not so recent, depending on how you look at it - events have made me realise I'll never have that. And i think I'm just too saddened by this to celebrate. Also the fact that i have found out i am not leaving this dreadful city for three more years isn't helping matters!

Just a bit of a ramble

Hey there! As you know from my other two Blogs my name is Ash and up until recently i was very... In the closet about a lot of things. But now i have decided to just be myself and stop putting on such a front just because I'm scared of how people will react. So... I'm a basically your average messed up teenager except some people don't think of me like that. They like to think of me as "gay" and "strange" and "loser". All my life i have been bullied for one thing or another. My sexuality, my transitioning, the way i dress even my taste in bloody music was hot topic in one of the many senior schools i attended. I had suffered and although i knew there were other people out there in similar situations probably coping just fine i couldn't bring myself to get out of my depressive state. It got so bad that i lost the will to live, you don't need the details but my actions cost me my best friend - who could not stand to see me dying right in front of him. Luckily though i slowly started to pull myself together but there was one problem, i was still alone. My friend came back into my life a year later and i forgave him for running out on me even though he had put me through hell - I've always been a sucker for forgiving those who i love. In a way i suppose that's what life is all about: making the best of what you have, forgiving those who are sorry (and those who you cannot live without just yet) and stuff. I have totally gone on into a ramble and have now forgotten what i intended to say in the first place. So I'm gonna leave and just wish you all a merry Yule (Christmas, whatever!) and say 'bye for now!