High expectations

I think i have such a high... I don't know really how to put it, like a high expectation of what a friend is, that... and it's so high that i don't think anyone can match up to it. I think i have the closest thing possible to a perfect friend and now I'm going through this really dark time where i am desperately trying to push everyone away and deaden myself off from emotions; I'm picking at the little things and making something small into something big. And... I have completely forgotten what i was going to say because it is crazy here and i keep getting distracted... I wanna go to bed even though its only five in the afternoon.

The blame game

He feels like I'm blaming him for our trouble, i feel like he is blaming me. I have realised that whenever it comes into a confrontation i just let him have his say without really trying to get my point across. We both have battles to fight, like i said before. And they are so similar. I wish we could fight them together and lean on each other, but i don't think that will really work. Not with the way things are at the moment. It now occurs to me that i am still spending too much time over thinking and over analyzing all of this. I need to get on with my life.

.... whatever.

We are okay. We talked and i didn't manage to get my view completely across but we are friends. I think the problem is that we are too alike. We both feel as if the other is blaming them and take on that blame. Then we have similar battles and instead of fighting them together we go it alone... It's just... Ugh. I think i still need to be a bit more independent and have plans that maybe just include me. I don't know. Right now i just want to go to bed.

Life is stupid

At the moment i'm just in this really dark place and don't feel like talking or doing much of anything really. I want to put my photos back up but some sort of mental block is stopping me. I'm really worried about him but he i don't think he is talking to me. He won't even call to let me know he is okay! I hate this life; it's too complicated from an FtM point of view and every other point of view there is in me... Dunno if that made sense. I need to go to the doctors soon because the meds, which i am taking to stop the "days of reckoning" if you know what i mean. have completely fucked up my system and i'm kind of scared...

Loss

My whole world centres around him; my thoughts, my dreams, my plans... I know I should stop and be independant. I don't want to lose him at all. But what if i do? Will i be able to cope without him again? The last time it was like i was only half alive, like someone was slowly ripping out my insides - it hurt so much. Ugh, i just have to go to bed, forget it all. Even if it's just for now.

My thoughts

I really miss him. I can't feel anything; just loneliness and empty. I've taken down the photo's of us, i'll probably put them back, but for now i can't bear to remember what we used to be like, i can't stand to feel the loss all over again. I can't believe he has changed so much. It's almost unbelievable and i sometimes think that it can't be him standing in front of me. Because he wouldn't do this to me. But he has and... I can't stand the pain anymore.

Snow

It's cold, i'm snowed in and i'm quite miserable. College was cancelled though. I've decided that i cannot worry about him now, if he wants to talk to me he will; he knows where i am. But until that day i just have to focus on my own stuff.

In no mood...

Back to college today. And i am so not in the mood for it. It's cold, i am in pain and feel sick. Joys! I just want this day to be over with so i can go back to bed and forget all about it.

Grr!!

God, eating a peanut butter sandwich with a freshly pierced lip is hard! Heh heh. I still don't know where we stand. He says he is going through a hard time but he didn't tell me so how was i supposed to know?! He insists on not talking about things - and hey! I'm the same but I've come to realise that sometimes you have to let in the people who will worry about you if they see you spiralling downwards. He hasn't been himself lately and i'm so worried. But will he let me in? Sure! When hell freezes over!

I screwed up...

I honestly feel like I'm dying. I can't breathe, can't think straight. It's all too much to cope with. I don't know if i can do this anymore. I know i'm such a hypocrite in saying this right now, but if anyone out there feels the same; like you can't go on living anymore... Don't do anything stupid. Get help. Because you will regret it in the end. I knw you want the pain to stop - but it will only do that if you continue living and get through it. Alive. So live if not for yourself, then for me. Prove to me that there are people out there, strong enough to defeat depression and shit like that.