A not so pleasant thought

I woke up in a rather negative mood today. I don't know why but i just woke up and thought "shit, my life is utter crap." And i just started listing all the things that were wrong or could go wrong, especially concerning... you guessed it: transitioning. The cause of most of my drama and angst. Well, one of the things that causes most of my drama and angst, the other is Him... Yeah, i missed him quite a lot today. But then i got busy with clearing out my storage room in order to make room for my rowing machine - I've got rather into the whole exercise regime because i really want to gain some muscles and unless you're into the whole body building thing it can be rather difficult for a girl (i HATE using that pronoun when it concerns me... But still, i can't dodge the truth of what i biologically am for much longer, though i intend to keep certain new friends in the dark about the subject, not because i don't trust them but because i don't want the drama it might cause and because i want to limit the amount of people who know) to gain muscles easily. I have no idea what i was going to say now... the price i pay for having a short attention span and being constantly interrupted by one thing or another.
I better get going now before i start my usual inane rambles.
It's five minutes later since i originally posted this but i just remembered what i wanted to say! I visited my old home and got rather depressed because a series of realisations hit me all at once and i think i shall remain at where i am because minus a few... neighbourly disagreements and money issues, i am rather happy. I have met some lovely people who i absolutely get on with and... onto another completely different subject: my hip fucking hurts - a problem I've had since birth and my foot is fucked from a pulled muscle.... It's something i have grown rather used to sadly. but you never know, maybe one day it will get fixed and i won't have to suffer with this anymore... Wishful thinking i suppose.

A not so brief update into the life of me

I can't remember when i last posted... I suppose it would benefit me to just check the date but i'm being lazy. I have suffered some anxiety attacks since the last time, i know that much. They have all been at night, which i suppose is better than when i'm out in the street or at college. Speaking of which, i am feeling way more comfortable there now and i'm getting more and more confident. Like today, i actually talked. In class. To people! I think my new found confidence is surprising everyone, my best friend expects me to freak out suddenly and announce i have to leave due to a panic attack and when i don't he seems pleasantly surprised. Or just surprised... I dunno. College is good. I have handed in all my final pieces and i am preparing for two exams as i type this. Anyway, onto a subject that nine times out of ten comes up in EVERY single post: Him. Like i said before, i think i am finally getting over him and... Maybe i can move on and focus on out friendship. I mean, don't get me wrong; it's not like i just woke up and thought "right, i'm not gonna love you anymore." Because that's just not how it works. I've worked hard at trying to get him out of my heart and he's still there. He always will be; he can't not be since he's had such a great impact on my life and i can't not love him. But maybe that love is slowly... Not lessening but changing. Changing into something deeper but more friendship-focused... I don't know. It's really hard to explain. All i know for certain at the moment is that i love him and i want to take him away and protect him from everything that could hurt him.
Onto another entirely different subject (i know i tend to jump all over the place in these posts). My dysphoria is still rapidly increasing. I can't so much as run to the corner shop without putting on my binder and adjusting it so it's as tight as possible. then i still fret over it not being good enough. Then i end up fussing with my hair because i think that if i don't maintain it so it's just right i don't pass as well. It's affecting college as well, since i'm thinking of moving just because i want to be able to pass and then i have to think about which is better: passing or studying the right course for me and then i get so confused because both seem equally important. But i know anyone and probably everyone will tell me that studies are more important... I just don't know. I'm just so unsure of everything. I still go by my old name within the family because they refuse to call me anything else but the name feels so foreign i hardly respond to it because i don't class it as my name and i honestly don't recognise it when it's applied to me... I don't know if that made sense. I hope it did. I'm tired now and hungry so i'm gonna go and eat dinner. Bye for now.