Truth i never wanted to hear

I just realised something: Life isn't a fairytale. He's never gonna love me. This isn't some love story where i wait around and swoon over this guy for ages and then he comes to his senses and express his undying love for me. It's never gonna happen. So i might as well move on. ... Also just realised i can sometimes turn into such a sappy, love struck idiot when he is concerned. I gotta stop that. I gotta move on from my romantic feelings and just concentrate on the friendship.

Pointless

So i've gone out and i had a pretty good time, except when i got choked by someones excessive use of perfume - ugh. Then i come back and remember the one thing i really needed to get... Damn. But i'm not going out again, i'll get it another day, it's not major. Anyway, things are not exactly improving but i feel better. I don't want to talk about it. so i guess this post was pretty pointless. But at least it wasn't totally all "doom and gloom" ... I want another tattoo... Hmm.

Crystal

Today whilst at college i had one of those crystallising moments where something became very clear to me: I have to leave my home town as soon as i can. Today i got called "she" and recognised by this girl i used to know and i just realised that as long as i stay here i am always going to be bumping into people who knew me "before". And it saddened me in a way because although i always planned and wanted to leave i wanted to do it on my terms... Now it seems as if these people are just giving me no choice but to leave. I don't want to leave my family. I love them (most of the time) and it's going to be hard. What's even harder is that my best friend gets to leave before me and although the majority of my feelings towards this is sad because I'm gonna miss him so much, i also envy him - i feel guilty about it every time i feel this - but it's like, ever since I've known him he's always been ahead in "the race" and it gets painful to watch sometimes. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but i think I've earned the right to be that for once, since i have been everyones crutch lately; the person everyone comes to in a time of trouble, without anyone to talk to myself.

Good news, anyone?

College sucks... I have to do this presentation in front of around twenty people. Fair to say i am not looking forward to it. But I'm slowly catching up with the work. I only have one thousand projects to do now! Things are just so mixed up at the moment, it is ridiculous. But i need to just ignore it all until it goes away (my best coping method - although not exactly healthy). But i don't want help... I want out. Transitioning is getting any easier either... I mean, i know it's something that, is seriously difficult to get through and you have to really fight to get where you want, but GOD! Give a guy a break already! I just wanna go somewhere, anywhere... Get away for a while. That'd be nice. Sorry, i realise i do nothing but moan in this blog. I rarely share good news.. So here's some now: I got a B for one of my final essays! Woo! ... Yeah. Until next time, byee!

New rant

So i went to college and just felt completely shit, i just had this terrible "I'm gonna be here for two more years and I'm all alone and this fucking sucks!" rant playing inside my head for the majority of the day. THEN, i met someone again for the first time in ages and it made me feel better. We talked for the entire lecture which was no problem seeing as the lecturer was away... I swear the staff at my college have so many sick days... Anyway, so yeah. Shit beginning and quite a good ending. Well, so far. Things could still go wrong. (Ever the pessimist).

Questions

Lately I've been asking myself a lot of questions. And it's made me think about stuff. Like whether I can really move on from the past. I know not letting go of many years worth of grief isn't exactly healthy but after you lose so many people... Well, it doesn't get easier to say goodbye and there's only so many losses i can take. Oh, i don't know. I know that I have to work on college stuff now and just focus on that. Because my goal is to not fail this time!