So, i'm moving again! There was something wrong with my place so i'm getting moved down the hall. Woo! The only thing is i now hate packing and unpacking. Should only have to do it once more, then i'm done with it for the next couple of years (hopefully!). My family is totally dysfunctional, what else is new, right? Anyway, college calls so i better go.

Childhood poems.

I've just found this old notebook i used to write in when i was a kid... I was a strange child. There's this one poem, it's kinda weird. I must have been about six when i wrote this.
"People lighting fireworks
whilst creeping badgers lurk
always light a firework at arms length
never sparkle a sparkler with too much strength."
Like i said... Weird.

Confusion.

I'm sleepwalking through this. It's weird. I cant feel. I can't think. I can't... I just can't do it anymore i don't think. I'm tired. I haven't slept in weeks and i just want to stop for a second and rest and just... I don't know.

Food for thought

Exams went fine. Probably failed though and i don't care. Sometimes i wonder why i bother with a particular person and deep down i know the reason; it's because i love him and would do anything, including swallowing every ounce of pride, to be with him. I've lost my train of thought now so I'm gonna go and eat my veggie soup. Yum.

GARGH!

I still feel lost and alone. I feel like... I don't know. All i know is i have two bloody exams and where I've been so preoccupied with everything else i have completely forgot about therefore done no studying whatsoever and they so happen to be part of the lecture of which i fail anyway. Did that even make sense? Anyway, i have to go. It's gonna take a fucking miracle to help me get a pass grade.

Breathe

I feel like i can't breathe. Like something is crushing me inside. My heart... It hurts, so much. I can't handle this anymore. It feels like i'm dying. I've suffered depressing thoughts before now but this must be the worst. I don't know what to do.

-sigh-

Sometimes i really feel as if i can't handle this life. It seems so pointless and as if the ground has just swallowed me whole and now I'm just falling and falling, further and further away from the person i aspire to be. Of course i can never be the person i want to be because he would be biologically male and have everything i don't at the moment. Being labelled a female again today didn't help. On to another subject; i have to stop turning to him for help, because A) i fear i might lose him again B) he shouldn't have to deal with my problems C) I've turned to him and he's been there enough lately and D) Oh... You get the picture; there are lots of reasons. I can't think of anything sane to write at the moment. My mind is fuzzy and i need to lie down. So, until next time.

Lies

So, i met this girl yesterday. And she knows me as male and nothing else. She doesn't know anything about the transition and stuff and sometimes it feels like i'm lying to her. Like, she wouldn't be hanging out with me if she knew. But then i think i am who i am and i'm a nice person who's a bit wacky and my gender doesn't have anything to do with that... It's a weird feeling. I get it with the people who know me as female and who i haven't gotten around to telling about the transitioning possibly out of slight fear. Anyway, it's weird... But i'm getting on with it and i think i'm coping rather well, although certain family members keep "encouraging" me to go back home. It's weird, like i said before. Anyway, i'm going to meet my friend for dinner so i have to go get ready... Until next time.