I used to be positive, but now? Not so much...

Christmas used to be such a happy time. Even when i was alone. I suppose it still is. But something, this year, has changed in me. Maybe I'm just so preoccupied with transitioning and college and... Dealing with relationship crap that i haven't really had time to "get in the spirit of things". Or maybe it's because i am still struggling to live each day as it goes. Maybe i miss my dad and the family i could have had, if things were different. Do not get me wrong, i love my current family even though they have mood swings that give me whiplash. But i cannot help being curious as to what could have been. My family aren't very traditional. I swore to myself that i would have a family, i had this whole little picture in my head, and we would celebrate new years with fireworks and Christmas with all of us sitting around the fire with our presents. I know it's kinda cheesy but that was my dream. But recent - or not so recent, depending on how you look at it - events have made me realise I'll never have that. And i think I'm just too saddened by this to celebrate. Also the fact that i have found out i am not leaving this dreadful city for three more years isn't helping matters!