Crystal

Today whilst at college i had one of those crystallising moments where something became very clear to me: I have to leave my home town as soon as i can. Today i got called "she" and recognised by this girl i used to know and i just realised that as long as i stay here i am always going to be bumping into people who knew me "before". And it saddened me in a way because although i always planned and wanted to leave i wanted to do it on my terms... Now it seems as if these people are just giving me no choice but to leave. I don't want to leave my family. I love them (most of the time) and it's going to be hard. What's even harder is that my best friend gets to leave before me and although the majority of my feelings towards this is sad because I'm gonna miss him so much, i also envy him - i feel guilty about it every time i feel this - but it's like, ever since I've known him he's always been ahead in "the race" and it gets painful to watch sometimes. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but i think I've earned the right to be that for once, since i have been everyones crutch lately; the person everyone comes to in a time of trouble, without anyone to talk to myself.